Chaos is fertile ground for creativity and opportunity. I had to learn to look for it. I hated it, I truly did. I was so comfortable and used to the order, the chaos brought up all sorts of emotions, and a state of mind that I thought I was going crazy. The most destructive part of it all, I blamed everybody else for the chaos around me. Nothing went as planned, and there was a beautiful blame game that was happening around me. Led to more frustration adding more to the chaos.
I really wanted a change in my life. For me to do that, I had to redefine everything in my life.... EVERY SINGLE THING... The definition of my life was proving itself to be very constricting, I has let my life be defined for me and its no ones fault but the time had come where I needed to define my life the way i wanted it to be because my creative soul was suffering, almost dying. I knew that if I wanted to enter the next step of my existence I had to leave the old one behind. Easier said than done. I did not really had a plan, my only plan was to prepare myself mentally and emotionally to accept the changes and grow and learn with it.
Feelings of guilt, shame, anger and frustration dominated my daily existence, I was exited about it. I knew that my outside world was a reflection of my inside world, I was so happy to see that the negativity that was being manifested around me was just a reflection of where I was standing. Instead of letting myself be consumed by the darkness I loved it, I loved and embraced the darkness and resistance my life was showing me for it was only shedding light on my own resistance towards my life. I kept searching and searching deep within me why I was ashamed, why I was feeling guilty, why I was frustrated, the deeper I went the more I could see that it was all for nothing, I decided to stop feeding the lies I had told myself on how to live. It went on and on and on for a long time and one day, all of sudden it went away and I had found myself a serene place where I knew the journey ahead would be a different one, where more lessons would be learnt, deeper love felt and respect for life beyond I can ever imagine.
This part of my journey was rightfully a lonely one, only to realize that I was never alone. My sweet serenity came from a deep acknowledgment within the core of my being that everything is temporary, that every situation that I am put in is to make me a better human being, bringing me closer to what is important: acceptance for all that is. One has to heat the gold to purify it, disrupt its structure. The gold suffers but if it resists it will never be as pure and precious. I am but human, ever expanding and always learning. My sweet sweet serenity however impermanent you are, I know you will come back stronger and deeper each and every time.