There was a time I thought I could no no longer fight the battles I was fighting. The constant chatter of the forces outside of me were getting me, I felt defeated. I felt like all that I have done, worked for, was for nothing. That loving myself was just not worth it anymore. Giving in to the forces outside would set the balance again but that would be depriving my soul of its food. Feeding my soul had already disturbed the so called peace that once was, that equilibrium that my life had reached was no longer serving me, I had a choice: To keep going and keep pretending that it was okay or take a risk, disturb the peace and hope for the best.
Although I was a lone wolf, I was not alone, I was part of whole where I played my part. I had to break free from it, I was grateful for all the opportunities, lessons and experiences it had brought me but deep down I knew it was time for me to play another part. Breaking from it was a decision I had to make and stay firm in it. One day at a time, I had to learn to listen to that voice inside my heart guiding me. One breath at a time I had to learn to quiet the chatter in my brain, for they did not sound like my own voice and replace them with a voice that I would recognize: my own. The disbalance created a storm. In order for me to face that storm, my mind and my heart had to be in balance.
The storm was big, strong and vicious. There were times I felt I was being carried away by it, then miraculously something would come along for me to hold on to. Then that would go away and again I would get carried away in a strong gust of wind of strong emotions of defeat and again something will come along giving me shelter, this time for a little longer and again that would go away. This cycle would go on and on, there was a time I left like just giving up but I was too far in. Each time I was being saved I grew stronger, I felt the kind of love and acceptance I have always yearned for but looking for it in the wrong places. There was a mix of emotions, confused mental state of being in between. Do I go back to where it was comfortable and predictable or do I keep going. The storm was still out there, a little bit weaker than before but still stronger than me… for now anyway.
In the midst of that storm I had gained many skills, I understood that no matter what it could not do anything to me unless I let it. When I learned to ride with it and I started to enjoy the whole thing, the storm went away on its own. I was happy, unconditionally so. I did not want that storm, but I needed it. I am grateful for the storm and I know there will be more. Within the storm I saw the light where once there was darkness. My heart opened and what was waiting for me on the other side was love more beautiful, unconditional and fierce than I could ever imagine. A love that came to me when I learnt to love myself. The kind of love that accepted me when I learnt to accept myself. It was a breeze of confirmation that life loves unconditionally.